Wednesday, January 7, 2009

General Rules for Dancing and Music

This is something a friend of mine named Brandon wrote that is nothing other than sheer genius. Take a gander. I probably agree with all of these.


1. God hates hardcore dancing. It makes Him very sad indeed to see his beloved children awkwardly do battle with imaginary opponents. Frankly, God is just sick of breakdowns, guitars in drop C tuning, and predictably unimaginative 2-step riffs. Though He appreciates what the whole straight edge/metalcore/sXe/hXc culture is trying to do in His name, He'd really much rather you all just sat down, took some deep breaths, threw on a Phish album, and mellowed out over some tHc.

2. "Dry raves" are about the same as "Shark-free ghettos." In the ghetto, you don't worry about being eaten by sharks, you worry about being robbed, raped and murdered. People don't go to raves to drink, they go to raves to drop acid, and eat handfuls of research chemicals with names that rarely contain more than three characters. If you see people praying, odds are that they just popped a handful of yellow tablets decorated with stars, Mickey Mouse, or Mitsubishi logos, and they're seriously concerned about what their X was cut with. Raves are just dirty, depressing events frequented by dirty, depressing people. Odds are, you have something better to do. Raving with your friends in someone's backyard or basement is a good time. Raving in a cornfield or an abandoned warehouse with lots of people you don't know is a good way to wake up naked on the side of Interstate 71.

3. Girls should avoid dancing in a provocative manner. This rule need not apply if the girl in question is attractive. If this is the case, keep on doing what you're doing.

4. Soulja Boy has all the creativity of a lead pipe, and about as much street cred as Barney the Dinosaur. Even if that weren't the case, the dance that bears his name might as well be called the Mongoloid Air Swim, or just the Help Me I'm Confused.

5. Up to and including their masterwork No Strings Attached, everything in the *NSYNC catalogue is solid gold.

6. Clearly, God is huge fan of breakbeat electronica. Why? Just try not to party when listening to The Prodigy's The Fat of The Land or The Crystal Method's Tweekend. Or, just save yourself the trouble--it can't be done.

7. There is no grammatically correct way to express the idea of "too many glow sticks." Miriam Webster would probably disagree, but frankly? He wrote a dictionary. If I had a dollar for every party that I really doubt he was invited to, I could probably purchase the rights to the English language.

8. Have fun. If you're not having fun, leave. There's a special circle in Hell for buzzkills. No flames, no torment, just other buzzkills. They mope around, start drama, and drag each other down for all of eternity.

9. When moshing, be sure to take note if you step on something that feels more like person than floor. They'll thank you.

10. When selecting music, follow your heart--literally. Your heart beats in 4/4 time signature. If your heart beats in time with any song by Tool or Dream Theater, that's called a heart palpitation, and you should probably seek medical assistance as soon as possible. If your heart beats in time with any song by Sunn 0))) or Brian Eno, you're probably experiencing cardiac arrest.

1 comment:

DaiKamonohashi said...

Ahahahahahahahahaha, that's great. Sadly there was no mention of any of the classic and classy styles of dance - your swing and your ballroom dances, for example. Would love to hear his take on the rules of the Waltz or Rumba.